Oh, man Maroon 5. You’re so not at all as embarrassing to like as John Mayer (oops, meant to use my ghost finger to write that, whatevers!), but I wouldn’t try to get into a Fader party by dropping your name. I feel the same way about you that Jude Law probably does about Sienna Miller: you might’ve been an error in taste I made when I didn’t know any better, or didn’t wish to know any better, but there is something about your pretty yet uninteresting sound that captivates me, and there isn’t anything that much more awesome around anyway, so I’ll go at you a second time, sure and thanks.
As I began watching your video for “Give A Little More,” it was so typically ho-hum. A sexy, sweaty house party where you guys are performing, woo-hoo. I thought to myself, it reminds me of Jimmy Eat World’s video for “In the Middle,” but that video was interesting because at least that house party was an underwear party. Many of the people in attendance were people I would pay to always keep their clothes ON, so OK, Maroon 5, you’ve squeaked by again by casting mostly symmetrical faces with obviously balanced diets (or regular coke habits, but if that’s what keeps you fit, potato/poe-taht-to, same diff to me).
Then I was reminded of the Janet Jackson feat. Q-Tip video for “Got Til It’s Gone,” video which was also a dance party, but also took place in the 60′s with amazing art direction, and then I was like “Maroon 5, you posers, Janet got this ten times over you, losers.” Then I re-watched that video, and was reminded of Janet’s hair
It’s. . . Not good. It made me think that when Janet was singing “You don’t know what you got til it’s gone,” she was singing about how her hair used to be amazing until someone hired a dude from the Apex Technical school to give her a hair-do inspired by spark plugs and baby rattles. That hair basically ruins the video. Dammit, Maroon 5. You’ve won the dance party video-off by default.
Fine. I’ll watch this video and let the typical, unimaginative thoughts pop out mah head:
I wonder if those are their real friends?
Ooh, someone has a polaroid camera! Those make parties look so fun when posted on Facebook.
Man, I should own more dresses.
Man, I should own more party shirts.
Man, I should wear tighter clothes than I normally do.
They really expect me to buy that ALL those girls neglected to put on bras for a dance party?!?
I’m so much happier now that I got a haircut, cause now I can wear my hair down too.
My hair was way too long before.
This is totally one of those parties where everyone is hot, but I don’t think anyone is hot enough that I would want to hook up with them.
I’m too picky.
No, I’m not.
Actually, I am.
No, I just don’t want to be in a relationship, so my taste is haphazard these days.
I love beer.
Chandeliers are awesome.
Silly string and bubbles for children make a party for grown ups fun.
And just when we think that the video will continue to be completely unsurprising, something AMAZING happens.
About 1minute 41seconds in, we suddenly see a group of gals that have gotten soooo wasted that they are topless in their underwear, doing S&M-y kinda stuff, and then a few couples that are outrageously dry humping in the most inappropriate way.
I say awesome, because finally Maroon 5 has gotten real about sexy late night dance parties, in a way music videos have failed to touch on in what I believe to be the entire history of music videos. It’s the party that is SOOO fun and everyone is just the perfect amount of drunk, and then some asshole decides to get everyone to do that extra shot of tequila we all know nobody needs, but they do it anyway, and that’s how those people become THOSE PEOPLE.
As in “remember that house party Maroon 5 played a few weeks ago? The one with those people?”
“Umm. Yea. They were disgusting.”
It’s genius, because those people are everywhere and no one ever shows them in the media. Those people who get so shitfaced they think that it would be super hot to show everyone what their sex looks like, or those people who are so drunk that they think that if they can’t see you looking at them, then they are invisible? Cause no one ever goes to a party or out to dinner, and goes “remember those people dry humping against the wall by the service bar? They made the party so awesome, because they were so good looking and as we all know, nothing really ups the party ante like two people viciously dry humping for all the world to see.”
No, it’s always like “Eww, ewww, eww, I can’t believe they don’t see everyone staring.”
And then awesome stuff happens, like you and all your friends take turns posing for pictures one by one standing next to the sex people going at it, but you and all your friends make faces like this
or pose like you’re in a family photo like this
|the people being gross are placed in the middle but they are too hammered to notice|
or even size order, like this
and when your crotch accidentally touches them they think you’re trying to orgy them, and instead of getting mad and ruining the picture, they get psyched and make the picture even more disgusting!
Those are the best pictures to look back on and laugh at, and honestly, if you go to enough parties and take pictures like that, I think it could also make you famous.
Maroon 5, I’m sorry I ever doubted your greatness. You’re video for “Give A Little More,” is more than just a video. . . I would like to be the Tom Cruise to your Renee Zellweger, and let you know. . .
Maroon 5, you complete me.
|you had me at ‘hello’|